So…I started therapy today.
It’s not because I’m depressed. It’s because I can’t seem to string together a rational thought as to my current situation. It’s a whirlwind circle of what if’s and but’s and maybes. I recognized the fact that I needed someone else to help me make sense of everything. Or if not everything, at least something.
Fifty minutes really flew by – I guess I had a lot to say. I didn’t figure I’d get a lot out of the first session, since they have to get some kind of background, so I mostly told the whole story.
Here is my synopsis of the whole story (just in case you are catching up)
Met on Match.com, been dating for seven years this coming May, living together for four years in a house we own together.
Happy most of the time, but I’ve watched at least five other couples get engaged and/or married in the time we’ve been together. We seem to have developed a pattern of blow ups and temporary “break ups” every six months or so.
While a good person, good influence, good example and good man all around – he’s never been able to forge a close relationship with my daughter.
His best friend proposed to his knocked up girlfriend last weekend. For one second I hated her. I knew then that something had to change.
* * * * * *
There is the condensed version. I’m sad and angry and bitter and hurt. Hence, the therapy. But I haven’t given up yet.
My homework from Therapy is this: Think and explore the significance and meaning to YOU of him not proposing.
In other words – not why I think he hasn’t proposed, but what does it signify to me that The Boyfriend has never asked me to marry him. Do you get the difference? I guess another way to put it is how does it make me feel about myself….I think that is what she was getting at.
To me – it means there is something deep that has held him back. I don’t doubt that he loves me and that he doesn’t want me to leave – but I believe there is some reason, something about me, that has kept him from taking the next step.
I guess I will take some time to analyze that some more over the upcoming week.
I started to feel more positive about working things out tonight, and then realized this feeling was all too familiar. After a big blow out, we are the most loving, sincere, attentive couple. Everything feels like it’s going to work itself out. So that depressed me again, because I know it doesn’t last.
I wish someone had a crystal ball for me to gaze into.