February 8, 2011

So…I started therapy today.

It’s not because I’m depressed. It’s because I can’t seem to string together a rational thought as to my current situation. It’s a whirlwind circle of what if’s and but’s and maybes. I recognized the fact that I needed someone else to help me make sense of everything. Or if not everything, at least something.

Fifty minutes really flew by – I guess I had a lot to say. I didn’t figure I’d get a lot out of the first session, since they have to get some kind of background, so I mostly told the whole story.

Here is my synopsis of the whole story (just in case you are catching up)

Met on Match.com, been dating for seven years this coming May, living together for four years in a house we own together.

Happy most of the time, but I’ve watched at least five other couples get engaged and/or married in the time we’ve been together. We seem to have developed a pattern of blow ups and temporary “break ups” every six months or so.

While a good person, good influence, good example and good man all around – he’s never been able to forge a close relationship with my daughter.

His best friend proposed to his knocked up girlfriend last weekend. For one second I hated her. I knew then that something had to change.

*                               *                                     *                                       *                                          *                            *

There is the condensed version. I’m sad and angry and bitter and hurt. Hence, the therapy. But I haven’t given up yet.

My homework from Therapy is this: Think and explore the significance and meaning to YOU of him not proposing.

In other words – not why I think he hasn’t proposed, but what does it signify to me that The Boyfriend has never asked me to marry him. Do you get the difference? I guess another way to put it is how does it make me feel about myself….I think that is what she was getting at.

To me – it means there is something deep that has held him back. I don’t doubt that he loves me and that he doesn’t want me to leave – but I believe there is some reason, something about me, that has kept him from taking the next step.

I guess I will take some time to analyze that some more over the upcoming week.

I started to feel more positive about working things out tonight, and then realized this feeling was all too familiar. After a big blow out, we are the most loving, sincere, attentive couple. Everything feels like it’s going to work itself out. So that depressed me again, because I know it doesn’t last.

I wish someone had a crystal ball for me to gaze into.


My New Mantra

February 3, 2011

I have a new Mantra – I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen in my life, and I am going to force myself to be ok with it. I am going to make myself  face the anxiety the very idea causes me. I can’t plan the next week, the next week, the next year, because I just don’t know.

Everytime I say it to myself it is liberating, and at the same time terrifying. Everytime I catch myself feeling short of breath because I don’t know if I should stay, move out, try to work it out, or move on, I am repeating that it is okay not to know. It’s not really okay – but I have to make it be.

The Boyfriend and I are talking a little bit about us – but yesterday and today, we are just living here. I feel the break in the connection, and my every instinct wants to move in, to be closer, but I have to hold myself back. Logistics don’t allow me to move out right at the moment – to have the Break I really want – but this is a start. As pathetic as it sounds, shutting him out just a little bit is hard for me.

I’ve made plans on Friday to go out with my girlfriends. I see my girlfriends often, so it’s not any real big thing, but Fridays have always been “Our Night.”  I feel guilty. Like I’m leaving him home to be sad. But for the first time I have a voice in my head that says this is part of the separation. These are  just the rough edges of those feelings that are to come if I truly choose to leave. And I have to face them head on.

I’ve called my old therapist to get in as soon as possible. She is booked, but I told her I was willing to take a cancellation if nothing else. I can’t keep wearing out my friends’ ears – and truthfully, I need someone removed from the situation. I feel like if I don’t let go of some of this anger, it is going to eat me alive, and I won’t be able to think clearly about anything until I do.

I was watching Grey’s Anatomy tonight – it is still one of my favorite shows – and if you don’t watch, to summarize, there are two lesbians who were in a relationship. Lesbian 1 had an amazing opportunity to study medicine in another country. They were set to go together when at the last minute 1 asked the other not to go – said she was ruining it for her. In the couple months that she was gone, the Lesbian 2, who is a bi-sexual, gets knocked up by a guy. Then Lesbian 1 comes home because she misses the other one so much and begs her to take her back. So, Lesbian 1 left her and their relationship, with no warning. She bailed. Lesbian 2 got pregnant by a man, and is asking Lesbian 1 if she is IN or OUT.

What it started making me wonder was – sometimes – do two wrongs make a right? If someone hurts you so badly, and then you hurt them in return – but afterwards decide you truly want to try again – does it wipe the slate clean?

I suppose guilt has a lot to do with it. If you know you hurt someone and you feel terrible about it, on both sides, can you chalk it up to Tit for Tat?

I just wish I could find a way to begin again – without all the anger, hurt and resentment. I know that, if and until I can get to that point, there is no future for me and The Boyfriend.

The question is – Is it possible to get to that place, and do I even want to try?


Fifteen Minutes

January 31, 2011

I am currently sitting in my chair (recently purchased for $30 from Craigslist from some furniture rental place that was going out of business. TOTAL steal) with the motorized massage chair thingy The Boyfriend helped Lady H pick out for me for christmas, a glass of wine, my laptop and a fake fire going in the fireplace. Pretty sweet, huh?

Today has been pretty ok for me. I’ve held it together all day, without feeling too over-emotional. I did broach the subject with The Boyfriend about him moving out temporarily instead of me. He has a few friends he could probably stay with, including one who is about to vacate their condo to move into their new home. While I have no desire to stay here in this house alone, I want to disrupt Lady H’s life as little as possible. Therefore, getting an apartment or moving in with a friend just isn’t going to work. Lady H and I have to stay in this house, or go back to our old house (about a mile away).

It’s too bad she doesn’t have a reliable father she could stay with while I get this all sorted out. My very BFF is having to find a new place right now, and I contemplated trying to find a new one together, but because of her business (owns a dog walking company) she has to stay very local. While our towns are only twenty minutes away, getting Lady H to school in the morning would be a nightmare. If she had her own place with extra room I’d consider it, but I wouldn’t want to sign a lease with her and possibly have to leave her hanging.

Which brings me to my only other option: Giving my tenants notice to vacate. The lease requires 45 days. No problem, it’s not like anyone is kicking me out. BUT – the last time I gave my tenants notice to move, by the time they were ready to move out, I’d decided I wasn’t going anywhere.

I KNOW I need to be strong and just make the decision to follow through. I don’t have to set anything in stone. Just because I move out and on does not mean that things might not work out in the end. I mean, I know they’re not likely to, but it doesn’t have to be a closed door until I decide to shut it. And Lock It. Or he does.

I’ve been perusing some breakup blogs the past day or two. It helps. It helps to read others people stories, and see the light at the end of the tunnel. But a lot of what I’m reading has to do with cheaters, and guys that seem like real Douche Bags. Also haven’t found any that are Moms yet, but I’ve only just started browsing.

While I am quite obviously not alone in my little corner of the world here (obviously from all the great comments you guys have left) I still feel alone. Or I kinda feel like “shit – look at all the cheating douchebags out there – and all I’ve got to  bitch about is my man doesn’t want to marry me, and isn’t a great Step Dad.”

Is that me trying to talk myself out of this breakup? You Think?

I literally change my mind every fifteen minutes. I go through these intense feelings of “You’re ok, you’re doing the right thing.” To “Maybe it would be better to stay, you can stick it out, things might get better”. If I could get my brain to shut the fuck up, I might be able to come to some sort of conclusion.

I’ve always struggled with doing what my gut tells me is the right thing to do, and what I actually want to do. For once, couldn’t they just be the same?

Thanks for listening. Cheers


The Break

January 30, 2011

I went to two baby showers today. The first one was for one of my best girls – a group of five of us – who is having her second child, a little girl. She has a boy already, aged 3. I am so excited about the new addition to her family. Possibly because she is having  a girl and misery loves company. Heh heh.

The 2nd one was for The Boyfriend’s best friend. The four of us went to Aruba together two years ago. Their little boy was a “surprise”, and despite the Daddy’s long confirmed bachelorhood, they’ve been thrilled. It was more of a party than a baby shower, no games, just presents and drinks. At the end there was one special present – a bib that read “Will You Marry Me?” and a ring.

I guess I should have expected it but I didn’t. I had no idea. My eyes welled up with tears, but they weren’t with happiness. A bitterness swept over me that I am ashamed of. It crawled up my gullet and into my throat and the worst part about it was I didn’t even hide it well. The other wives and girlfriends asked me in the next hour what was wrong and if I was ok. I know people talked after we left.

These are two people we love and care for very much. The fact that I couldn’t even be happy for them left me feeling sick. They are one of many, many couples that have gotten engaged and/or married within the time that The Boyfriend and I have been together. I knew then that I had to do it. I knew that I couldn’t live one more minute with the bitter, ugly, negative person I’d become.

The Boyfriend and I talked tonight. I told him many truths. That I wasn’t happy anymore, but that I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting him. That I did not truly believe he thought I was the one, or he’d have proposed. I cried and cried. I didn’t think I could go through with it. But at one point he stone walled me and I became calm. I told him that if he wanted to put up a wall,that if he couldn’t have an honest conversation about it, then there was no discussion left to be had, and that we were no longer together.

So we talked some more. He opened up a bit, and we were at least able to truly talk. He told me that while he has been able to walk away from many relationships in the past, each time it seemed it may come to that for us, it hurt more. He said that he believed it meant something that although we’ve had many difficulties, we kept coming back to each other.

Me, I’m not so sure. I’m not sure if coming back to each other has more to do with comfort than anything else. I told him that. I told him that as things got worse and worse I began having desperate thoughts, like somehow convincing him to get married, to make it better. Or maybe even kids. But mostly I told him that I wasn’t convinced he truly believed I was the one for him or he would have already proposed to me.

He did tell me some stuff then – too private to really share – of some of his own doubts. 

We’ve decided to take some sort of break. I told him my fairy tale idea about it. That we’d separate for six months or so and realize we couldn’t live without each other, and it will all work out in the end. Who knows, maybe that dream will come true. But I also know that in six months, we might see that things are easier apart than together. I just need to find out for myself, either way. 

So tomorrow at some point, we start to work out the logistics of this break. We own this house together, and we each own a rental townhouse as well, that we lived in before we bought this house. I’ve thought about moving into an apartment, but am not sure how fair that is to Lady H, although it would definitely be local and very close to where we are now.

Once we were able to talk calmly I’ve been able to feel a little  more peaceful about the decision. I don’t feel as though a knife is twisting in my back anymore. I don’t know what exactly is going to happen but I know whatever it is, it will be right for me.

On a closing note – thanks for sharing your stories in my comments section. I want to hear more, though. Hearing someone else’s experience is truly therapeutic. So, for those of you that commented you have gone through this, I challenge you to write about it in you blog in the near future. 

Editors Note:  Thanks again for your support. This calmness may end at any time and erupt into hysterical pathetic posts.


Walking after Midnight

January 28, 2011

I went walking tonight. At 11pmish I went walking. For about an hour. I put one foot in front of the other, welcoming the cold air on my face, and walked with no particular destination.

Things are coming to an end. I won’t be dramatic and say I’m leaving tomorrow. Six and a half years doesn’t come that easy. Everytime I say I’m going to leave, it turns into another year of my life.

The thing is, I’m not with a bad guy. He’s a great guy. A great guy on paper as I’ve always said. Responsible, mature, caring…..but we just don’t fit anymore. And I don’t want to keep on keeping on just to do it.

The immediate red flags of course, started years ago, with his inability to bond with Lady H. I try and try not to compare ours with other relationships, but the reality is, I sold her short. I gave her a POS father – and then I couldn’t even manage to find her a decent step dad.

I walked and walked and called my BFF who just recently left her boyfriend of over five years. I’m supposed to be the strong one. Of all my Girlfriends, I’m supposed to be the one that doesn’t take any bullshit – no nonsense. They tease me about my one “feeling”. If only I could walk the walk. She’s the one who’s managed to leave and start over.

In the past I’ve tried  to leave, and The Boyfriend swears he’s going to change, try harder etc. But I’m almost 30. Which makes me cry because I’m almost 30, and I’m going to have to start over. He swears he’s going to make changes – and you know what? He does. Things do get better. But this cycle is exhausting me. And I’ve started to realize that it’s going to be easier to be alone than to be constantly disappointed by my expectations.

The hardest part is – he’s still willing to try. To work on things. I just wrote him an email in the beginning of the week about how I didn’t want to give up. I think it was a last ditch effort to convince myself.

In the deepest darkest areas of my brain, I’ve started having thoughts and fears – I’ve even been afraid that he might propose if he thought he would lose me, and wonderd what I would say. I’ve been picturing moving back into my townhouse (which I currently rent out) and it’s been comforting. I picture it, but I haven’t been able to admit any of it to myself.

I think it’s time. That doesn’t mean that I’m not going to slide backwards…I try to be realistic with myself. But it’s still time. If it hasn’t come together in seven years, it’s simply not going to. There are too many basic things that I want in a relationship that just aren’t going to happen with him. And I don’t believe in asking people to change themselves.

So here we are. It’s going to be a long, long road. Guess I picked a good time to start blogging again.


Snow Day and the Crazies

January 26, 2011

Holy Shit, It’s really comin’ down out there! During the first few hours of snow, I itch to go outside for at least a few minutes and enjoy the Winter Wonderland before it’s gray and gross. I like to be sociable with the neighbors as well, and so I brought out our snow shovel, put some layers on, grabbed a glass of wine (in a coffee cup with a lid) and braved the outdoors.

My daughter and the neighbor’s girls were already outside buidling a fort. It was actually my idea, I texted my neighbor that he should take the girls out for a snowball fight in the dark. Now they’ve been out there over an hour. We’ve got a good four inches already and it doesn’t look like it’s quitting any time soon.

Our office closed a bit early and Lady H went to her aunt’s house for a little bit to play with her cousins. Do you think it’s possible to read TOO much? The Boyfriend got me the Kindle for christmas and I have been in holy-reading-heaven ever since. I just finished Simon’s Choice in about 24 hours. That ones a tear jerker. Just before that I read two other good ones – The Murderer’s Daughters and Still Missing – all on Amazon if you want to google them.

Since Christmas I have probably read ten books, if not more. I LOVE my Kindle – and this is not a paid advertisement! If you were on the fence, I’m telling you – you will love it!  I was really concerned I would miss the feel of actual  books but I actually kind of like the Kindle more. You don’t have to hold the book open, you can just lay it flat. And it is nothing like looking at a computer screen, my eyes haven’t bothered me once.  I’m just telling you this, becuase I wish someone would have told me. I would have asked for one two years ago!

Anyways – guess tomorrow will be a snow day. I doubt I’ll have to go into work at all, but if I do it will only be for an hour or two. Don’t know what I’m going to do here all day. I feel so frickin bored all the time. If I don’t feel like cleaning or organzing, then all I do is read, and then I feel gross for sitting around all day. And my patience is ZERO. Just a few weeks ago I thought I was doing so well with keeping my calm with Lady H, and now I feel like I am going to explode at the least little thing. Yesterday I thought, I really want to work on my relationship with The Boyfriend, today I thought I cannot fucking do this anymore! Maybe this new med is just fucking with me. I go back Wednesday to re-evaluate and will talk to the new doc about all this shit. I know every med has to work it’s way into your system so I am trying to be patient but I am really tired of feeling weird and dizzy and nauseaus and irritable all day. Lets hope it’s a side effect and not just my personality.


Not So Sure

January 25, 2011

My stomach is in knots and it has been all day. I think it’s the new medication I’m on, Wellbutrin. But I also think it might be in my head. I get nervous when I try new medications, and so I can never be sure if i’m experiencing side effects, or my reaction is anxiety to the possible side effects. Whichever, it’s sucked. I’m experiencing a weird form of vertigo or something. I get this dizzying sensation when my eyes shift (at least thats the best way I can describe it). I was so exhausted by the feeling today I actually laid down and took a nap when I got home.

I suppose that is why I’m awake now at 11:41. I don’t even feel like drinking anymore, but I figure another glass of wine will make me drowsy.

The Boyfriend and I were fighting over the weekend. I’d been giving him a variation of the silent treatment, limiting my responses to him to the bare minimum. I think the actual silent treatment is immature, although this probably isn’t much better. We finally talked about it today. It pissed me off that he claims he didn’t even know if I was mad or not. It’s like saying he doesn’t know ME.

Typically, these days, I try to let things go. If theres one thing I’ve learned over the past six and a half years, it’s that I’m not going to leave. I can see, though, that this attitude is hurting me more than helping. I adopted this idea after the last huge fight we had. In some ways it was easier just to accept the fact that I would  never leave him, than keep wondering if I should  move on. But I guess I can see now that just simmering when I’m mad isn’t going to help our relationship. I’ve held onto this theory of “Whats the point in talking about it, he’s just going to convince me to see things his way and that will be the end of it”. Except I’m not someone that just moves on easily, or lets things go until they’ve been sufficiently discussed.

I think (and I’ve had this discussion with him) that a lot of that attitude comes from the fact that we aren’t married. I believe in marriage. I believe when you get married, you’re committing yourself to working together for the rest of your lives. I think we’ve gone though a lot of issues married couples have. I’m not saying that marriage makes things better. What I do think is that not being married gives the feeling of an “easy out” so to speak. When we come upon differences between us, at least on my part, there is this idea that I don’t have to put up with this. I don’t have to accept it, because I could leave at any time if I wanted.

Not that that is even close to the truth. We own a home together, with a mortgage that neither of us can afford on our own. Splitting up would be just as complicated as a divorce. No kids together – but there is the dog.

I asked him today – When does it get easier? Year 7? Year 8? Year 9?

I know all relationships are work. I know it’s never easy all the time. I just wonder is ours harder than it’s supposed to be? Harder than others? Does the fact that we’ve made it through this long mean we are supposed to be together? Or does the fact that we aren’t married yet, mean it’s never going to come together?

I can’t stand the thought of going one day without seeing him, talking to him, being with him. But is that just comfort and routine? How do you know if you truly want to spend the rest of your life with someone? I used to think I was sure. Now, I just don’t know.


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